Naming your Noob: A Public Service Announcement

Hello, interwebs.  Have you ever seen a person with an incredibly redonkulous name that makes you totally want to cry?  I'm not talking about Gwenyth Paltrow and Apple, or Gwen Stefani and Zuma, or whichever celebrity pops our a spermnugget this week and names it something batshit crazy.  They're already celebrities and eccentric, I pretty much just shake my head and move on when I think about them.

I'm talking about normal, everyday people cursing their children with bad, bad, bad names. I don't think I've seen a "normal" person become famous because of their super-duper special name.

A quick perusal of online baby forums and any baby naming website will quickly supply you with hundreds of names you've NEVER EVEN HEARD OF.  Even worse, it will supply you with names that hundreds of other parents think no one's ever heard of, and you'll name your kid that, thinking that it's completely unique (oh, Imma get to that later), and then in 10 years you've got 16 kids in the same grade named Aiden/Brayden/Jayden/Kaiden/Grayden/Paydon/pretty much any consonant or dipthong followed by -ayden.

You said it, kitteh.

"But Brawlberry!" you may ask, fuming quietly, "It's not like unique names are hurting anyone!  It's not like people with interesting names are more likely to commit crimes or something!"

Ladies and gentlemen, Exhibit A, please.

"That may be so, if you buy into that 'research' crap," you may retort, "But they'll have a name that will make them more memorable!  They'll definitely be in a better position to get a job with a name that will be remembered!"

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaybe not.  (This link is to an actual research article - feel free to read it if you want, but it's hella long)

"My child is the most unique snowflake out there.  He/she deserves a name that's befitting of his/her rainbow-farting/glitter-pissing excellence!  There's never been a child as unique as my child!"

Please.  There are 6.5 billion people in the world (or something close to that, you know how hard it is to get an exact count).  Our physical makeup - mostly oxygen, nitrogen, and hydrogen - is essentially identical to every single other person on the face of the planet.  Unless your child breaths methane and emits arsenic, I'm betting that they'll be just like every other snot-nosed kid in preschool who has to draw their letters with crayons.

Basically, think about your child for a moment.  One day, your child will grow up.  They will leave your house (hopefully), and they will go to college/find a job/do something - basically, they will become an adult.  Your child will have to compete for jobs, housing, , loans, and acceptance into universities, and the very first thing anyone will know about them is their name.  Burdening a child with a name that screams "My mommy thinks I'm a sooper-speshul snoflayke!" is bound to work against them.

Now, I know what you're thinking - "There's no way that someone would discriminate against people based upon their name!  I know *I* wouldn't!"

Well, sugartits, are you in a position where you *could* discriminate against someone based on their name?  Probably not.  And the fact is, not everyone thinks like you do.  In fact - subconsciously or consciously - employers, banks, acceptance committees, loan companies, and other establishments DO discriminate.  No one can ever directly prove it to the point that a person could sue over it, but the fact remains that giving your child a unique or "fad" name is not helping them in the future.  

Please remember - your child is the one that has to live with the name, not you. So the next time you see the "ZOMG HOTTEST NEW BABBY NAME!!!11!!" - think responsibly. 

And please don't make kitty bash his head anymore.